Last week was very overwhelming to say the least. To go to my doctor appointment Monday morning (the 10th) and then to be delivering Victoria at 7:14pm that night was not what I expected that day. I was so unprepared for all that would happen in the hours ahead.
I knew what the doctor's were telling me all along about Victoria's health conditions, but I was still praying for God to work some kind of miracle that would prevent her from having Downs or any heart problems. I know God could've done that, but he chose to bless us in an extra-special way. I don't know that I looked at Victoria as an extra-special blessing last week. All I could think of were things way out in the future. I was so overwhelmed with all that might lie ahead for us and for her. I felt like my life may be over somehow.
The best thing that could've happened for me is to actually bring Victoria home. Living life with her this past week at home has been a blessing to me. I have learned to focus on today. What does Victoria need today? She needs me to change her diapers, feed her, burp her, love on her ... just like I did with Elyssa and Natalie. The worst thing I can do is worry about the future.
I admit that I have had hard moments when I break down, like when I bought a baby book for Victoria the other day and I cried when I thought ... will she be able to read what I write about her in this book? Will she understand everything I jot down in here? These are just a few things that I've thought over that cause me to feel sadness or experience a "grieving" over the life she may not have that I hoped for her. But, God reminds me that before Mark and I ever met, He knew what my future held. He knew that He would give Mark and I Victoria to raise for His glory. I never pictured myself to be the mother of a special-needs child, but it's weird to me that God did. He knew that He equipped me for this job when He formed me in my mother's womb. So, I just have to trust that He knows what He is doing in giving me this sweet little girl.
The most precious thing that I've seen since being home with Victoria is how Elyssa wants to love on her. Elyssa doesn't know that Victoria has any problems. She just sees this sweet baby and wants to love on her. I know that Elyssa and Natalie will always love their sister and will probably not even realize for a very long time that she is "different." What a wonderful love! I sense that same love from our families and also from our church family. Everyone has been so sweet to us and we truly feel an unconditional love for Victoria already.
Please continue to keep Victoria in your prayers. We meet with the Pediatric Cardiologist on March 28th. I'm sure we will begin talking over a plan for Victoria's heart surgery and when that might be. Pray that God continues to work in her body and that He provides healing as only He can.
Pray for my sanity in raising three girls under the age of three! It's been a little hairy at times and I'm so thankful for all the help we have had from family and friends. I'm sure as I get into a routine with Victoria that things will settle down some.
PS - Some of you might not know that Victoria was born on the 10th and my birthday is on the 13th of March! Interesting story ... the morning of my birthday (2am), Mark had to rush me to the emergency room because I was having an allergic reaction to the pain pill I took the night before at 10pm. Interesting birthday present, huh? The hospital doctor and nurses hooked me up to an IV and gave me a large dose of Benadryl to relieve my swelling throat!!!
Thanks for all your prayers, friendship and love. They have meant the world to us during such a time of transition. All I can say is ... to God be the glory!