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Thursday, June 19, 2008

Learning Something New

I think I've learned something new about myself. Yes, through the process of my pregnancy with Victoria, her birth and all of the chaos surrounding her heart surgery I have had time to learn something interesting about myself. I couldn't put my finger on it until today, though.

Today was kind of a bummer day. Nothing in particular happened. The girls went to Mom's Day Out while I stayed home with Victoria. I just felt "down" and I didn't really know why. I mean, I guess I've gotten "use to" this routine of always staying at home, unless I get relief to run to the store. It just gets old sometimes.

I was also feeling overwhelmed today. Overwhelmed by all of the household chores piling up. There were piles of clothes to wash, piles of dishes to wash and put away ... you name it, it needed to be done. Chasing two little ones around along with caring for a new recovering baby is a big task and the housework gets shoved to the side, I'm afraid. I think I've been feeling overwhelmed for several days now, but it really hit me today. When I get to the point I was at today, I feel myself shutting down. It almost is hard to put forth effort to do any of the things I see that need to be done, because by the time I do that little bit, other things will have multiplied (because of the girls making new messes), leaving me in more of a predicament than I was in before. I never seem to get "caught up." Ever been there?

Thankfully, my mom came over mid-morning and without me having to ask, she began helping me. I think she knew I was swamped. I'm sure she could tell by looking at me that I was on the verge of "looneyville." I was thankful to have the help. We put away countless articles of clothing, washed several loads of clothes, put away dishes and washed dishes. It turned out to be a productive day.

In the midst of doing all of the chores with my mom, in my quiet state of working, I realized what I think is wrong with me. I realized why I'm feeling "down." See, we've had so much attention given to us for such a long time and now to be home ... there are not as many calls, emails, visits, etc. Now that Victoria is recovering well, I guess people assume that we don't need to be contacted as much. Don't get me wrong. It's not that we do need to be contacted like before. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I've learned something important about myself. I realized today that I am way more of a "people-person" than I ever thought I was. I use to think I was re-charged by solitude in my younger years. I'm realizing now that I'm re-charged by socializing and being "real" with people. That is probably why this blog has been so important for me. It's been a way I can release my emotions and vent my feelings to a cyber-space of friends who encourage me and keep in contact with me. Being house-bound has made me realize that I can be house-bound if I have to be, but I really do enjoy my friendships outside of the home.

During this entire process, I've felt a closeness with so many people that I may have not had an opportunity to experience otherwise. It's been great to know so many people are concerned and lifting us up during such a trying time. I think now that some of that has faded and we have all gone back to our "normal" lives (we still don't quite know what "normal life" is yet), I miss being in daily contact with so many folks. I know things will not always be as they were and I surely don't expect it to continue to be that way, I just find it interesting that I've learned this funny thing about myself.

During a crisis, I find it so refreshing to see people stop the business of their lives to remove their "masks" and reveal a very "real" side of themselves to comfort the person in distress. You never wish for the crisis, but I must say ... a crisis brings out the best in a lot of us. It brings out a side that might otherwise be hidden by the fast pace of life. A crisis causes you to stop and re-think the value of the person in the crisis and the value of the friendship you have with that person. After things are "okay," everyone tends to go on with "normal" life activities and we all begin again the rat race we were in before.

I'm not blogging all of this for more phone calls, emails or comments. Please know that. I'm just having a moment of revelation. I know I've been the person not in the crisis before, offering help to the person that is in need. Then, after the horrible event is over in that person's life, I've thought they were okay and that they didn't really need me anymore. I guess I'm realizing that it's nice for me to stay "real" just a little bit longer and not rush so quickly into the craziness of life before I have to.

A crisis is more of a blessing than I once thought it to be. Although we don't initially want to, maybe more of us need to enter into one. It's in the crisis that you have an opportunity to give or receive love a little more than we normally might tend to do. It's in the crisis that you realize how thankful you really are. And, it's in the crisis that you slow down or even stop long enough to let your walls down to reveal that a wonderfully vulnerable person is under the facade.

It's also in the crisis that you really call out to God in a way you never have before. You seek His face more diligently and you realize that it's sad that it took such a life-changing event to push you into that place. After the crisis is over, you realize that you miss everything that came with it and you never want your life to be the same again.

Crisis anyone?


Anonymous said...

You are so right. We do grow so much more in times of crisis. The refining process is no fun, but that closeness with the Lord that comes from it is wonderful.


Shana Hodge said...

I can say that I have enjoyed our almost daily conversations even if it's been in the midst of crisis! It's a long way from fighting over clothes in high school, huh? Tommy looked at the cell phone statement the other day and commented on the number of minutes that I have talked in the 2 months. It's a BUNCH! Thank goodness for AT&T free cell to cell calls. I know that we are separated by many miles but in my heart and spirit I'm right there with ya! I love you!

Chemo Mom Tammy said...

Thanks but I'll pass, I already have the crisis t-shirt! ha! But you are right. Many people don't realize we are still learning our "new kind of normal" and they just keep going along with their lives. It can be very depressing if you sit in that spot for too long.
Thank God for moms, huh? I love your parents. I am glad they are here for you.